Learning to love my body…again…

Hey all!

So, no, not EVERY post is going to be a Vlog. While I really like how easy it is to just talk to my phone, I still love the feel of writing. I get great satisfaction out of my ability to string words together to mean something. No vlog today. Just me, and my computer screen.

Ok, so if you’ve been following, you know that I’ve had a mini mid-life crisis about who I am and what I want to do with my life. It’s been an interesting couple of weeks with a LOT of soul-searching, and a lot of looking in the mirror and talking to myself about what my heart truly wants. I really didn’t realize how much courage it takes to say, out loud, what you really want out of life, especially when it is as far-fetched as my own dreams.

But I’ve come to a realization. My dreams aren’t far-fetched. They are just not easy to obtain. Back it up to my very first ballet recital. I was 6 or 7? Maybe? (Mama, do you remember?) I was in The Nutcracker, and played two rolls. That of a Pixie Princess and I was one of the China Dolls. We have the performance on video (My sister was in both scenes as well, at age 3 or 4) and some of the cutest pictures I’ve ever been in. We were adorable at that age. šŸ˜‰

But what I took away from that performance was two-fold. One, I had someone to admire – my older cousin, Yvonne, who danced beautifully on pointe during that performance (I’m sure she was Clara, I just don’t remember for sure) and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. I wanted to be her. And more importantly, I realized I wanted to perform. I wanted to be in front of audiences, applauding for my craft, smiling at my talent, and me beaming at the accomplishment. I’m sure that at age 7 it was simply the feeling of “Let’s do that AGAIN!!!” but you get the drift.

I performed throughout my childhood and young adult life. I took dance with me throughout, but along the way I added singing, gymnastics (the competitive kind, which only made me more hungry to be in front of an audience), piano, a bit of acting, and I was even on my HS Debate team. (OH yea, THAT Letterman patch was cool.) šŸ˜‰

Singing and Dancing became the forerunners. Choir from 7th grade through my sophomore year in college with a Vocal Performance Scholarship to boot. Dance team in Jr. High, dancing with a studio until HS graduation, and some simple dance classes in college. My entire life was about being on a stage.

I considered for a Nano second about applying to a performing arts college. Then I quickly convinced myself that I had no real chance in showbiz and applied to Liberal Arts schools to focus on Athletic training (a new and profound love of mine). Ended up hating that in college and found myself, once again, drawn to performance. I minored in Theater, and even landed a lead role in a small production my senior year. I loved it.

But I joined the masses, as I felt expected to do. And so far, that hasn’t worked out so well. Nothing stuck, and nothing was a “Love.” So, what to do about it now, at almost age 30? Well, it’s better late than never. And, with my husband’s blessing and support, I’m going for it. I’ve decided that I am going to try to become a legitimate actress. Yup – you read that right. Actress.

Don’t worry, I’m not delusional. I’m fully aware of how much of a long shot that is. Don’t care. I’ve got my laundry list of things I have to do before even trying to put my name out there, but I’ve set both short and long-term goals, and I’m going to do it! Or at least I’m going to give it my best shot.

First thing is first – get back in shape. Over the last year I have truly come to despise my body. And not because it is ugly or anything. But because it had turned into something foreign. It have always been skinny, but skinny does not equal sexy, and it certainly doesn’t mean healthy. And I was neither. And I was covering it all up with clothes I hated. I hated going outside because I felt like I just didn’t look like myself anymore. (Boy, do I need to give myself a make-over!) So I’ve been working out on my own, for almost 2 weeks now. And while I haven’t seen much change in my body yet, I can already tell the difference – I feel SOOOOOO MUCH better. I’m sleeping again. I have energy. I’m in a better mood. And what little difference I have seen (slightly flatter tummy, leaner thighs, stronger arms) is encouraging. I’ve been told you don’t see results on yourself for 4 weeks, it takes 8 weeks for people who know you well to notice, and 12 weeks for the rest of the world to figure it out. So I’m going to keep pushing! At this rate, I’ll be happy with my bikini-ready body by mid-summer. Just in time for Vacation!

I’m re-learning how to care for my skin. I’m so bad at it! But I read somewhere that every woman should have a “take care of my skin” routine in place before they turn 30. So now I do. (It also said that we should all have that “Little Black Dress” hanging in our closet, ready at a moment’s notice. Officially on the hunt!) With the new regimen, I’m glowing a bit more and don’t look so tired. I’m also taking better care of my hair, which my hair dresser will love. šŸ˜‰

The next step after getting back in shape and taking care of my appearance daily, is head shots. Insert our wonderful, amazing, talented Family Photographer, Bree, *here*. Can’t wait for that! She always makes me look and feel like a goddess.

I am saving my pennies to take some acting classes this summer, geared toward getting actual PAID jobs, and looking forward to all the knowledge I will gain. And when the classes are passed and the body is back in shape, and the head shots are done, then comes the real work. I’ll start pounding the pavement like everyone else. I’ll be sending my head shot and meager resume to upwards of 100 Talent Agencies associated with SAG (They have a list on their website!) and see if I can land an interview or two and someone will want to help me get an audition.

From there, who knows? We’ll see. But I’m determined to get noticed. I’m determined to fight for this and give it 100%. And if I love it, like I think I will, I’ll just keep going. And if, for whatever reason, I don’t love it, then I’ll go in another direction. A bridge I will cross when I get there.

In the meantime I’m learning to love my body, and really just love ME, all over again. This time, I’m not leaving it up to fate. I’m taking the bull by the horns. I’m getting up earlier and doing my hair and make-up before heading out the door. I’m wearing all that jewelry I love so much, and I’m taking pride in how I represent myself out there. I’m SO looking forward to my birthday $$$ so I can buy a few pretty things for myself and put some aside for my classes.

Wish me luck, guys. Or, as they say in “the biz” – tell me to break a leg! Cheers to a bright and prosperous tomorrow.

-Jen

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2 thoughts on “Learning to love my body…again…

  1. Oh Jen, I can relate so much to your want/need to work out again. I am feeling the same way about my body and it sucks…a lot. But I am working out like crazy 6 days a week, eating well and am determined to get back into shape! I know we can reach our goals!

    Break a leg!

  2. I can definitely relate to your story. After having my daughter it seems I never had the time to work out, or put on make-up, or blow dry my hair. Your post reminds me a lot of how I felt back at the end of last year, about 6 months after giving birth. Had to do some soul searching but I found myself again and took aim.
    I’m currently working out 5-7 days a week (gym, crossfit, running, yoga, & P90x on those rare nights that I just want to drive my body on full speed). I really enjoy it and the soreness just reminds me that I’m really doing something.
    No dream is too big. Go for it full force and you will rock as an actress.
    Best of luck from one mom to another. Well, what I meant was: BREAK A LEG!

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